WITHOUT CHEESE (parody of "Without Me" by Eminem. New Lyrics by Tim Richardson)

Pasteurized, real cheese no preservatives

Two dairy farm cows go milk em outside, milk em outside, go milk em outside
Two dairy farm cows go milk em outside, milk em outside, go milk em outside

Guess what’s back, back again
Cheese is back, tell a friend
Guess what’s back, a great snack
Full of fat, buy a pack
Grab the rack, from a yak, its not crack

I’m eating Leicester ‘cuz it is the best in my cupboard so far
You want Colby or sliced cheddar?
Well, if you want spicy this is even better
Grab some pepper jack and put it through the shredder
Some jalapeno pepper that’ll give ya gas quicker
Or on lox that gets you blocked
In the hospital for some serious therapeutic irrigating
In your colon from way too much constipating
You waited this long while I did the grating
Grab a sack, get bag and keep all the shavings
I know that you wanna try some curd cheese maybe
But ya gotta be patient while it’s coagulating
So the brie I see looks brown to me
But the Monterey is way tasty
I love it melted on my broccoli
My gut’s so empty without cheese
So open the dip, put some on your chips
Eat up, gobble cheeze nips, get orange on your lips
Hey fella, now what the hell did I tell ya?
Keep your frickin’ hands off my mozzarella!

Now this looks like the place to be
So everybody just follow me
To Hickory Farms on State Road 3
‘Cuz life would be so crappy without cheese

Gorgonzolla, or the Swiss with the holes
Got a smidge in my fridge though it’s gettin’ pretty full
Grab cottage cheese dump it in a bowl
I think my bleu cheese is growing extra old MOLD!
Dysentery, conditions are scary
Got gouda in there everywhere everything’s buried
A hellhole, gotta grab a shovel and trash
So I can throw all the gunk that I got in my stash
It’s a disaster, such a foul sight to see
My cheese is so nasty it smells like ass to me
Hey, what’s that? (gurgling noise)
My provolone is brown and gonna grow into the feta
Better get a new topping for burgers
Limburger, startin’ to look like Gerber’s
Or sherbert, or the strange color of my golf shirt
Old yogurt or the state of Humphrey Bogart
Checking expiration please
Smell the foul scent soon as I open the brie
Need a fumigant, and a doctor please
Pungent, unvent the airvent, geeze!

This looks like a mess to me
So everybody don’t follow me
You’re better off covered with fleas
Than getting addicted to cheese