THE OFFICIAL TIMINEM WEBSITE

MY GLANDS (parody of "My Band" by D-12. New Lyrics by Tim Richardson)

I don’t know, dude…I think everybody’s all pointin’ and laughin’ cuz I weigh like 600 pounds, dude
And I think if you’ve got a friggin’ problem with my weight, dude
Then I’ll have to sit on your head after I finish this pizza…because

I’m overweight and it’s because of my glands
That’s why I’ve got a twenty-three foot waistband
My legs are shaded and they never get tanned
Can’t eat buffet because the guy had me banned

So I drop into this place to feed my face
Squeeze into a booth got an order to place
“What’s up lady, I weigh 580
I want everything you got drenched in gravy”
They’re all like,”Oh my god, a blimp!”
“Dear goodness me he’s the opposite of slim!
I swear I don’t know how he can even walk
When was the last time you saw your ****?”
By now I’ve gobbled down a bunch of marshmellas,
Spicy wings, tators and a pound of mozzarella
All the waiters start wiggin’ and getting’ enraged
Cuz my orders keep coming and they’re closing up late
So they try to cut me off from my dining spree
Hoping that I leave their restaurant finally
Dropping bills on my table almost constantly
Dude, I want another rack of lamb and cheese
Started turning off the overhead lights on me
But my mouth’s big enough I don’t need to see
Still I better go it’s a quarter of three
Breakfast time is soon so I gotta be free ‘cuz

I’m overweight and it’s because of my glands
That’s why I’ve got a twenty-three foot waistband
My legs are shaded and they never get tanned
Can’t eat buffet because the guy had me banned
My glands! My glands! My glands! My glands! My glands!
My glands! My glands! My glands! My glaaaaaaaands! Baby, yeah!

You won’t ever see a bigger fat ass nowhere
My flab jiggles when I climb up the stairs
Smash park benches and turn them to fine dust
When I was a kid couldn’t fit on the school bus
Rode on my bicycle and popped the tires
Can’t even fit my clothes in the dryer
What the hell is wrong with this restroom?
‘Cuz I’m wedged in the stall from my big full moon
I’m ready to drool when I see some flan
Or hear, “Hey dude, I’ve got some ham!”
I ain’t ashamed of my large dimensions
Though it wreaks havoc on my car’s suspension
GUY 1: Look at him, chubby lard-ass eatin’ Port-a-pit
GUY 2: Yeah, I know, man, gross sweat stainin’ up his pits
GUY 1: Hey, weren’t you gonna share some of that food?
TIMINEM: No, this six foot sub’s for me, not you two
Good god, I’m sick of this poop
People want me to join an over-eaters group
Told you I like all the treats and eat all the crap
So shut your pie hole and cut me some slack
At a funeral I was eating snacks
In a wedding hall brought my Cracker Jacks
Screw Dr. Atkins and his low carb scam
I’m gonna feed my face till my ass expands

Girl, why can’t you see I’m big enough to be a tree?
And when I order out they bring it on a friggin traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain

I’m a big eater and I find it’s hard to buy my size in 50 XL underpants
I’m a big eater and there’s one kind of food that always puts me in a trance
That’s sausage, woah woah, look out when I’m going after a big fat sausage
My sausa sausa saus-sausage
My sausage makes me wanna shake and dance
Unbuckle the belt on the front of my pants
Guzzle down Pepsi all 24 cans
Load up the back of my brand new van with sausage

Where’d the barbecue sauce go?