GOPHER (parody of "Soldier" by Eminem. New Lyrics by Tim Richardson)

I’m a gopher
I’m a gopher
I’m a gopher
I’m a gopher

Yo

Never was a slug just infatuated with mud
Never needed a shovel for any holes that I’ve dug
I got the rep of a nuisance, for soil I’ve loosened
Diggin’ lots of tunnels with the help of my cousins
In your big ol’ backyard disregard all the garden that’s marred
Even though it’s scarred on your guard
When you’re me, just gotta do what you do till you’re through
Chewin’ lots tubers, veggies, roots  
So every time when you see we’ve got our bellies filled
People bitch and scream and they wanna have us killed
Aggravation, total desperation’s what they feel
Our annihilation, termination’s the wish they want fulfilled
If they see us, shoot us, if they catch us, boot us
Be unreasonable pouring poison in our tunnels, funnel water in our mazes
Chase us, phase us out, geez!
Away master gardener and leave us in peace, please!

I’m a gopher
These little claws and paws dig up so much I’m eatin’ shrubs for my lunch
I’m a gopher
Even if a hose flows down my go-hole, try to wash me out I won’t budge
I’m a gopher
These gardens grow up so much, they’re like fudge, and they don’t cost me a buck
I’m a gopher
Even if Bill Murray blows all my mounds up, I’ll just titter like a woodchuck

I love tickin’ you off, when you play golf
Like your ball when I hide it and you think it’s lost
All you stupid golfers gotta do is make me cross
Like irrigatin’ – and my home gets waterlogged
I’m a big pest all I ever do is cause stress
Chewin’ up your daises till your wife gets depressed
Who needs flowers? When I devour you get sour
Chase me ‘cross the yard on your power lawn mower
And I’m actually faster than a mole or a squirrel
You can’t beat me I’ll come back again with a girl
Cuz there’s plenty of room, she’ll have babes in her womb
They’ll be poppin’ out and poopin’ in your garden next June
We’ll make a bunch of hills, it’s such a thrill
Livin’ larger than my boy Punxsutawney Phil
Spottin’ shadows is a cool meteorological skill
Gonna snow more? Hell, I don’t know if it will

I’m a gopher
These little claws and paws dig up so much I’m eatin’ shrubs for my lunch
I’m a gopher
Even if a hose flows down my go-hole, try to wash me out I won’t budge
I’m a gopher
These gardens grow up so much, they’re like fudge, and they don’t cost me a buck
I’m a gopher
Even if Bill Murray blows all my mounds up, I’ll just titter like a woodchuck